Tuesday, 17 July 2012

Benjamin Button - not

I was debating whether to post this but I think that even though it sucks to be me in it (ha ha) it's pretty hilarious....

So this week I went to have my measurements taken for bridesmaids dresses with one of my dear friends. I'd had a heavy week (band practice, interesting event launches, mental karaoke evenings) So I rolled out of bed, showered, organized my hair (as best I could - it's always slightly touch and go with my hair), skipped the make-up and raced off to meet her.

I have to admit that I've been a bit nervous about having my measurements taken. It's always kind of nerve wracking. I don't own a scale (I say NO to Fascist weighing implements), so I have no idea other than on my clothes as to any changes in my silhouette. Anyway she measured me and looked a bit horrified (I could see her trying to keep it inside) as my waist and rib cage measurements were a lot bigger than she expected them to be, so for the dress they would have to get it two sizes bigger than my hip size. So of course the first thing that went through my mind was - omg there's something wrong with my body! I'm essentially malformed and so on.

I remember once reading that the essential difference between men and women was that when something doesn't fit a woman she thinks - "there's something wrong with me" while a man thinks "there's something wrong with this shirt". I was trying to me a man about the whole thing but not really doing so well.

Anyway moving on - we proceeded to the jewelry counter at a nearby mall. It had one of those islands that the assistant stands inside surrounded by pretty gems and the like. She immediately latched onto me and followed me round and round as I browsed asking me if she could help,  trying to upsell and generally scaring the living crap out of me with her attentiveness. (I couldn't work it out - did she think I was a shop lifter? How could I do it. Everything was under glass. Maybe she thought I was an X-men shop lifter.) Subconsciously I started going round and round faster and making random changes in direction to see if I was being paranoid or if Ping(our helpful assistant) was really on me like a heat seeking missile. She zigged for everyone of my zags and was starting to look really nauseous (round and round and round ya know) so I took pity on her and stopped and said "I don't buy jewelry - speak to my friend she's the one who's buying."

Ping looked confused and then said, "oh I thought... well sometimes mothers bring their daughters in to buy them jewelry"


I did a goldfish with my mouth a couple of times and then tried to smile politely and say it was ok but inside - inside was another story.... "I'm strangely shaped AND I'm OLD, but not only am I old but I LOOK OLD!"

I laughed it off - ha ha ha but really inside...

Also I've always looked pretty young for my age - resulting in a lot of really embarrassing moments including - when I was 27 being called to the front of a queue at a club by the bouncer and berated for trying to get into a club at my age. His face, when he saw my id, was a picture though.

It appears those days are gone now.

Truth be told I am old enough to be a mom - but my friend is 30!!!! come on!!

I immediately vowed to never ever ever go anywhere again without full war paint when I say full I mean full (but natural looking so that it seems I've put in barely any effort , of course). I considered googling (the fast hasn't been going so well) botox options. I went straight to the bathroom and put on mascara and some lipstick (which actually made quite a remarkable difference) but I had to admit that gone were the days that I would get id'd if I didn't have make up on. Now people think I'm just to busy with my four adult kids to be bothered with my appearance.

And maybe I am getting old... I remember seeing the artist Flo Rida's name and thinking "Why on earth would somebody with that many tattoos want to call himself Florida - what's this cat thinking? It's hardly appropriate Daddy-O. It's just too square. The youth of today... (ok I possibly didn't say the last part but the first bit is all true)

I remember one of my friends at the age of about 33 saying 'kids these days' when talking about her kids. I was horrified - she was acting like she was about a hundred and five (and it was about the terrible influence of that scandalous tear away Avril Lavigne - come on she's hardly Marilyn Manson!) (not that I would want my kids to be influenced by Avril... 'hey hey you you I don't like your girlfriend'...smack (Avril not the kids... ) When I was Avril's age we had to walk uphill through the snow and the blazing sun to attempt to break up someone's relationship )

I just don't know if I can get my head around looking like a mom. It wouldn't be so bad if I actually had kids - but not having kids and looking like a mom feels a bit... sad. If you don't have kids you should be glamourous and fabulous and have disposable income to spend on things like Botox and facial peels (which I don't).

The one bonus thing though was that for the rest of the weekend I got to bum around and do as little as I wanted (including eating popcorn in bed whilst watching True Blood) - a thing I'm led to believe doesn't happen when you have kids. And I can now buy alcohol at the supermarket without ID.

Below is Flo Rida apparently this song is about fellatio (the youth of today!!!)