Saturday, 7 July 2012

GoogleFREAK:The internet... and other weird ass things

My name is Teresa and I'm an addict.

I'm addicted to Google - I can't stop googling things.

 Today in my googling I found out that if you were in Rock of Ages and married to someone called Katy that things are not going very well for you on the relationship front. Wowzers Tom Cruise get off the sofa - you didn't see that one coming! I have to admit I feel weirdly sorry for him... but only a little. 

The whole scientology thing is a bit of a brain melt. This, naturally, started off a bit of a googling chain reaction... Scientology, ancient dead aliens (they were dropped in Volcanoes by some dude called Zenu) attached to us and making us sad until we give all our money to the church of Scientology (erm I think that was how it worked), getting audited by a weird thing that looks like a Geiger counter with two metal tubes attached to it  and people feeling better than ever until they don't and try to leave but can't. Operating Thetan levels, missing people, SeaOrg the mostly land-based leadership of Scientology (yeah I know... what the F), intimidation, Squirrels (not the furry animals - the Scientology defectors) and the search for Tom Cruise's actual height (a secret more closely guarded than anything in Scientology.) 

Above is a snippet of the awesome bottle of fully carbonated crazy juice that is Tom Cruise and Scientology... (it's 30 minutes but - it's 30 minutes of WOW..... take some time out and watch it)

In the midst of my quest through the maze of WTFery that is the internet - I also found out that Oprah is a satanist - bringing Eckhart Tolle and God-forbid... meditation to the masses and obviously while they're sitting quietly and focusing on their breathing and surrounding themselves in white light or whatever, they are actually being inducted into the cult of Oprah (I knew all those book club books seemed suspicious!! Trying to get through the Poisonwood Bible did make me feel mildly suicidal!). Then I found out that Christianity is a cult that went mainstream (I did find the way the vid started with Jesus and Buddha and then proceeded on to other popular religions like Jim Jone's People's Temple and the Manson Family a leeeeetle bit confusing) and I also, also found out that the British Royal family is descended from ancient Sumerian reptile aliens.

 My final and possibly most disturbing discovery was that there has been a terrifying increase in the number of people losing the plot (google "bathsalts" - not the type from The Body Shop) and trying to eat other people's faces off. Out of these theories the only one with current actual documented evidence that it's actually really happening in reality is the "Zombies eating people's faces off" one (really did that have to be the one that's true - I thought the queen was aging suspiciously well - I had my money on the reptile theory) but still I'm starting to feel a little nervous about going out of the house... also I find myself starting to wonder - I mean there are some crazy things that happen in the world (see face-eating Zombies!) maybe there is some truth in the conspiracy theories.

Throughout history human beings have had a morbid fascination with weird and confusing shit (The fact that people actually watched Lost to the end is proof of this). Is it because we want to believe in something? 

When I was about 9 or 10 years old I found my mother's stash of "Mysteries of the Unexplained" journals. Being an above average reader for my age I soon developed a keen interest in aliens, ghosts and the Loch Ness monster... I also developed a real fear of being abducted by the previously mentioned aliens. (Many a night was spent lying very very still in my bed hoping that they wouldn't come and get me I wasn't totally sure what a probe was (only 10) but I could tell from the articles and the blurry re-enactment photograph that it wasn't good!... I remember reading one article that mentioned that there were millions of spheres that looked like mothballs when someone was abducted... to this day I still feel panicky when I smell mothballs!)

That was pre-internet nowadays anyone with access to an internet cafe can put their theory out into the world. I have begun to have a bit of a conspiracy theory conspiracy theory. What if all the conspiracy theories are there to be so ridiculous that we miss the truth in amongst them. Maybe the whole purpose of information overload is to break our spirits so that we just give up because it all seems too much.

How do we know what is and isn't true - people lie all the time. e.g. I didn't have sexual relations with that woman.... oh actually I did -or- Asbestos doesn't cause cancer.... oh look it does - or - Vanessa and I are still together.... oh wait we're not  (yes I'm still on about that) And don't even get me started on advertising!

How do we separate the truth from the rubbish? To be honest I haven't got a fucking clue. Maybe I'm not convinced that chemtrails are part of a weather control experiment by the USA military because my free will has been subdued by the fluoride in the water supply coating my pineal gland.... gah! (Google fluoride and pineal gland!)

All I have learned is that Googling begets more Googling!! This is not always the best thing in the world. For instance I now know that there are bucket-fulls of crazies out there - all of whom can type (sort of) and make websites and put things up on the internet (and create blogs that go blah blah blah about their opinions.... oh).

So what to do.... well, I'm thinking of implementing a Google fast... and getting a hobby... like basket weaving... or macrame.... only problem is I'm going to have to Google them because I don't know anything about them.... which creates a bit of a conundrum.

Or I could move out to the middle of nowhere and just get back to nature - I saw this enchanting place on the internet.... it's run by a lovely bearded man in a kaftan... I'm sure it's a legitimate spiritual retreat... now where is my credit card

PS below is a full Scientology Doco for anyone who is interested... it's cray cray!

1 comment:

  1. you do make me laugh...your ramblings are almost as terrifying as your subject you hun!
    B xxx