Sunday, 19 August 2012

The thing about uncertainty...

The thing about uncertainty is that it's so darn... uncertain.

There comes a time in your life that you have to just accept it. I have a birthday coming up in a few weeks. I won't say how old... I don't even want to admit it to myself... but I guess I thought that my life would be very different to what it is now. I actually hadn't thought much past thirty. That was sort of the cut off point of how far I could imagine as a child or teenager. I did have some idea about what I wanted my old age to be like but the bit in between was a big blank.

I'm at the bit in between now. There are a lot of things that I wish I could go back in time and tell myself. One of them would be that doing the 'right' thing doesn't always get the right results. That there's no such thing as a 'real job'. That I shouldn't really have been panicking about how little I had achieved with my life when I was 25. If I had spent less time panicking I would probably have achieved a lot more! I would tell myself that (in the famous words of Lenny Kravitz) 'it ain't over 'til it's over' and it's never over so there's always hope.

When I first discovered the horrifying truth that there are no happy endings and that nothing external will solve your problems or make you happy for longer than 15 minutes I was FUCKING depressed by it. As I write it down it still seems really depressing but I think as have I started to accept it I'm kind of finding it exciting like nothing lasts but there's always an awesome new adventure on the way so love what you have now and embrace what happens next.
( this is when I'm not hiding in my room, watching back episodes of Justified (I love you Timothy Olyphant!), eating sour lollies and refusing to come out because it all just seems too hard).

I can't go back in time though so I began to wonder - what would future me say to current me... eat less saturated fat would probably be one thing. Take risks while you can still walk up a hill unaided - this makes me sound like an old lady but we all think 'wow I'm 37 now my life is practically over why bother' - it's ridiculous - I blame the media and anti-ageing creams... a recent Vogue issue had 'hot' creative talent and then next to it in brackets (under 45) is 45 the cut off age for talent? WTF does that give our youth to look forward to?

Future me (with her blue rinse and hearing aid sitting in her rocking chair) would say 'looking good young lady - go ahead and wear those tight pants' (probably what I would say to deeply insecure younger me with her fresh skin and perky bottom)

I remember my grandmother (my father's mom) giving me advice when I was about 5 or 6 years old, she said 'wear lots of make-up and flirt with boys'. I only just got it. I think that's what my older self would say to me too. Not be a 'ho' (if there is such a thing and it's not just a sexist construct to disempower women and so on) but get out there and enjoy your life and feel good about your self and appreciate what you have while you have it and look forward to what's coming next.

So yeah it's not amusing or anecdotal but it's what I'm thinking about at the moment.

p.s. the weta came back... I think it's stalking my flatmate... . He'll be washing the dishes and suddenly look up and the weta will just be sitting there... watching him...

Sometimes it likes to mess with him by hiding inside handles of appliances that he needs to use. He reaches over to open the dishwasher and SURPRISE it's our friend, the weta. It's almost Hitchcockian.

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