Thursday, 27 September 2012

Happiness and Sloshy Spinach

Bonjour/soir Blogee's

In this week's blog.... I'm not pissed off, I read 50 Shades of Grey and I attempt to make a green smoothie.

I has come to my attention (thank you flatmate) that I'm the a bit like the Alanis Morrisette of blogging i.e. I do it better when I'm pissed off. Yet as spring is sprunging and I'm still working through the jumbo box of shortbread I got for my birthday, I find that I am only able to work myself up into a state of mild annoyance. True it vexes me that the temperature is only going up slowly and that I only have a half a box of shortbread left and that the world is due to end in a couple of months (thanks Mayan Calendar!) so making any real effort to exercise seems like a waste of time because I won't need to worry about January beach time (which makes my thighs happy but my heart sad).

In spite of all these very real and pressing issues, I'm still pretty darn cheerful. Not really sure why - but I'll take it. I think that part of it might be waking up after 7 if the morning. It's amazing what a difference working with your actual body clock does. Maybe it was the green smoothie.... but more about that later.

For those of you who have read 50 Shades or possibly intend to do an "audio book read by Morgan Freeman" listening party. I have a little game for you... The Fifty Shades of Grey Drinking Game... yay.

I was introduced to these games by my brother (e.g. the rap video drinking game.... dude grabs his crotch... drink... ho shakes booty into camera... drink and so on)

So here it is get some friends or do it on your own...

Fifty Shades of Drinkin'... every time someone in the book raises an eyebrow..... drink... if the eyebrow raise is described with an adverb... drink again (e.g. he raised his eyebrow sardonically) every time Anastasia Steele (yeah I know, don't get me started on the name) incorrectly calls her conscious critical mind her subconscious... drink (and then drink again as you try to figure out how she got her four year English degree from a prestigious university that is saving the world from famine through Christian Grey funded research and STILL doesn't know what a subconscious is), every time you read the phrase "Inner Goddess".... drink, every time Anastasia has a highly unfeasible orgasm... drink, every time she describes Mr Grey's trousers... drink! By page 82 you will be completely hammered, which is probably the best way to get through the rest of the book.

Having said that - I finished it without the aid of alcohol and was very disappointed no-one got to use the butt-plugs from the giant butt-plug drawer in the "Red Room of Pain" (oh E. L. James you tease - good work with the nipple clamps though)

After that I needed something healthy to cleanse myself of the bad influence of trashy literature. And so I turned to the green smoothie pledge I made... yes my friends I made one and drank it too.

Unfortunately,while I may be the Alanis of blogging, I am also the Mr Bean of domesticity. Please try to watch the video without judgement.

Many thanks to my poor long suffering flatmate for having the courage to film me trying to work a blender.

Thursday, 20 September 2012

Mini - WTF

It's Friday - yay.

This morning I took a break from frantic typing of various manuscripts and things to surf the internet... one of the main headlines... "Lady Gaga gets fat!"



It's just an ass - get over it. You would swear she had dressed up like Jesus and burned a copy of the Qu'ran  AND a rescue puppy the way that people were freaking out.

What's worse is that I read the article.... I thought "oooh Lady Gaga is putting on weight I have to read that...." I hate myself right now, I really do.

Stop torturing people for putting on 10 kilograms it's not a fucking character flaw.

(She also smoked dope on stage which might not have been a wise choice but the fact that she was fuller figured was the main tack of a lot of the articles.)


That is my Friday mini - WTF

Here is the picture....  oh the horror!

I will leave you with that Friday classic... by Rebecca Black

Monday, 17 September 2012

Grouchy and ungreen

Hmmm this morning I woke up and I felt a bit angry with the world.

I have a cold, the builder next door keeps on singing with the music they play (he's one of those "ha ha I'm salt of the earth cheerful with a GSOH" types - who also thinks he's an amusing yet surprisingly talented singer... he is not!)

The birds are singing too loud and I think my cat hates me.

I think I have a life hangover.

I also concluded that I will never be a truly successful hippy because I just can't face mung beans or Chia seeds! (what is a Chia seed you ask? Fucked if I know... but they're on every hippy recipe site in the whole world ever - Chia seeds are the new Goji Berry) In fact since my birthday party I've been subsisting happily on a diet of left over cheese cubes, cocktail sausages and stuffed olives (I did make home-made hummus which gives me back some of the hippie points I lost with the cocktail sausages). I also don't know if I can bring myself to make a green smoothie. If you haven't heard of green smoothies they're all the rage at the moment. They're meant to give you glowing skin and sparkling vitality with their massive kick of micro and macro nutrients.

How do you make one of these little slices of nutrient heaven you may ask.... weeeelll you take some delicious fruit mmmm fruit and then add the same amount of Kale or spinach or some other type of green stuff. Then you blend it all together until it looks like.... well not good..... and you drink it.

I just don't think I can do it!

My journey into trying a whole bunch of new shizz to find better ways of doing things and conquer my fears etc has been interesting... sliding down scary things... check... going to random theatrical events... check.... meditation... check.... attending singles evening... check (oh hell I didn't write about that one... ha ha ha it was hilarious.... next post I promise). I even threw myself a birthday party which is one of my biggest fears (people who have known me for years can attest to this - every year my birthday comes and I don't organise anything - my thirtieth was an evening of Karaoke with 3 other people....)

The party was freaking rad! We had bongo drums and music and my beautiful friends - will definitely have a party again - yay another fear conquered. Which brings us back to healthy eating... I think that I'm going to have to attempt a green smoothie just to say that I have tried one. I will video the creation and and consumption for your amusement.

I have not backed down from the other challenges I will not be intimidated by a glass of green baby-sick.

Oh God I've committed now - I'm probably going to have to do it.

I'll keep you posted... now I have to figure out what kale is... I could probably pick up a burger on the way.

p.s. Below is Kris Carr - she is the queen of the green smoothie... mmmm delicious